I’ve been feeling lonely, more often, the past few months. There, I’ve admitted it. I do enjoy my company, I love travelling solo, cherish spending time with parents and friends, am passionate my job, I love to go out drinking and dancing and then I always need a little time-out to stay sane!! But lately, it feels a lot more like “lonely” than “alone”.
I have a lot of friends, but I no longer have that one best friend. He was in my life for ten years. Yes, I was in love with him, and it took years for me to accept he was a closet gay and that there was no way we would ever have anything other than friendship — but I got beyond deep disappointment and breaking down multiple times and we eventually became close friends — so that filled the void in my life, I guess. Until, he came “out” to his family a few months back; he now has a live-in boyfriend and does not even want a friendship with me… was it all just a ‘cover?’ Was that all our friendship had been – a stop-gap? Was I just a fag-hag? He had been drifting away from me for a year now, if I’m honest. And it’s not for the lack of trying on my part — but after being turned down repeatedly when I suggested we meet for coffee, for a Bacardi, at some of our hotspots or drive down to weekend getaways like Agra, Jaipur or Chandigarh as we used to… I stopped asking. And broke it off completely, harshly, definitively. I miss him so much because he was always the person I could tell anything to. So yeah there’s a big void in my life. I have other friends, but none who I feel I can call at midnight when I’m stressed or low, and none with whom I could discuss family problems or the worries I am now blogging about. Which sucks.
How I wish that when I wake up in the middle of the night, and stressed thoughts flood my mind, I had someone I could snuggle up to. Because it’s starting to feel like I’m never going to have that. I’ve just become so used to being independent with a glamorous job, caring parents, friends who are always up to party, or hot f*** buddies!! I thought I have it all… or do I? Hey, I love being single. But no, I do not want to be single for the rest of my life. Any thoughts?