Sex is one of life’s simplest pleasures. So isn’t it strange that we often complicate it; instead of being able to enjoy it, we often ruin the ‘relationships’ by, you know, actually engaging with each other’s personalities and developing feelings [even if it’s just friendship] for one another. I know I goof it up all the time because even from my f*** buddies I expect reply to sms’ perhaps… stay connected on social media if that’s how we met… not as a ‘dirty secret’ no one can know. Yet, it’s so easy for a guy to detach himself completely. So, am I being weird out here, or is it impossible for girls to have sex with no strings? Become “f*** buddies” with someone without it souring when we get more caught up in the relationship than the other? Where does one draw the line?
I’ve been feeling lonely, more often, the past few months. There, I’ve admitted it. I do enjoy my company, I love travelling solo, cherish spending time with parents and friends, am passionate my job, I love to go out drinking and dancing and then I always need a little time-out to stay sane!! But lately, it feels a lot more like “lonely” than “alone”.
I have a lot of friends, but I no longer have that one best friend. He was in my life for ten years. Yes, I was in love with him, and it took years for me to accept he was a closet gay and that there was no way we would ever have anything other than friendship — but I got beyond deep disappointment and breaking down multiple times and we eventually became close friends — so that filled the void in my life, I guess. Until, he came “out” to his family a few months back; he now has a live-in boyfriend and does not even want a friendship with me… was it all just a ‘cover?’ Was that all our friendship had been – a stop-gap? Was I just a fag-hag? He had been drifting away from me for a year now, if I’m honest. And it’s not for the lack of trying on my part — but after being turned down repeatedly when I suggested we meet for coffee, for a Bacardi, at some of our hotspots or drive down to weekend getaways like Agra, Jaipur or Chandigarh as we used to… I stopped asking. And broke it off completely, harshly, definitively. I miss him so much because he was always the person I could tell anything to. So yeah there’s a big void in my life. I have other friends, but none who I feel I can call at midnight when I’m stressed or low, and none with whom I could discuss family problems or the worries I am now blogging about. Which sucks.
How I wish that when I wake up in the middle of the night, and stressed thoughts flood my mind, I had someone I could snuggle up to. Because it’s starting to feel like I’m never going to have that. I’ve just become so used to being independent with a glamorous job, caring parents, friends who are always up to party, or hot f*** buddies!! I thought I have it all… or do I? Hey, I love being single. But no, I do not want to be single for the rest of my life. Any thoughts?